I'm Not Dead: A Brief Update
Howdy Bearblog! It's been a while. It keeps being a while, frankly. I haven't really maintained any sort of consistent schedule for my posts, and even that inconsistent schedule has slipped.
I've found myself lacking the motivation to write blog posts, lately. I've found myself lacking the motivation for many things. I find it difficult to feel anything but frustration with myself, and almost a total lack of control. At times, I feel myself merely drifting along my own current, lazily floating by without a rudder. Blogging feels good, and it's fun, until it isn't, and I stop. Comic scripts spring into my head, and I write them down, until I don't. What on Earth governs my starting and stopping, I cannot say for sure. A few things do spring to mind, though.
I've been spending less time on Bearblog, and the indie web as a whole, and more time on Twitter and YouTube. I'm not going to claim to hate every moment on those sites, but they sure as shit aren't good for me. Too much cheap, easy, frictionless entertainment, just wasting your hours away because you can't bear to expend the effort to spend them better.
I swear, sometimes I feel like Calvin and his dad are raging inside me, two halves of a dialectical whole pulling each other apart.
I also think that, perhaps, I have let my internal critic wreak havoc on my life. It has its place, to prevent bad fuckups and raise your standards, but there comes a point where it raises your standards so high it convinces you of the inevitability of your fucking up, so you might as well not try. Maybe you already fucked up just by having the idea. Who knows? Not you, because get bent for not magically being the person you expected yourself to be.
I started this blog when I was in the pits of a miserable depression, and it's the pits of another one that drove me away from it. The same force that started me writing, stopped me writing. It's funny, in a way. Sometimes I think I write as an act of desperation; and desperation needs hope, for desperation is hope, just with the jaws of failure and despair chomping for its ass.
I'm not sure this post says much of anything. Well, it at least gets across that old internet cliche: I'm not dead!